Swine flu. Run for my life!
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So much rum. So many feels.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
