I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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