Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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