Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
