i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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