I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize