the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
That accounts for only three of the penises
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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