She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
