Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
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Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
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Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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