I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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