I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
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I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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