i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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