just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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