yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
