i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
They have beer where we have blood.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
