I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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