so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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