The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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