If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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