hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
