How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
