my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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