Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Randomize
