everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
