i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
