im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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