u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
