I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
