I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
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I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
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Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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