The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
