I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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