I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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