Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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