i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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