I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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