This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
