My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
