I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
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