She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
