i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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