Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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