god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
