Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Your penis caused this!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
