Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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