Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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