I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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