My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
What happened to fro yo and sex?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
