I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So vagazzling was a success
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
