dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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