I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
