So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
