I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
