Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
false alarm, still single
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