i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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