I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
