She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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